Sleep deprivers

Fotor_147665165797012The day’s events reply in my head when there is nothing left other than the stark silence of the night.

Some days are easy to find sleep while others,my thoughts run deep.

The days where I have behaved in ways looked down upon by my religion and parents are days I wish would go away.

I am a modern Muslim woman in a uncompromising family. I am torn between two worlds.

One world where I do as I am told. This world is dictated by parents with morals so unrelenting that they have caused this blog post. This world is also led by the virtues of my religion. A religion in which I respect but relatability I find hard.

The other world is the reality. The reality of my surroundings and the morals of the society I call home. I am open-minded and progressive in words and in action. This world is dictated by me and me alone. But see the issue comes when I ask the question what dictates me?

The world works in a way where we all are influenced by something(s) or someone(s). Nature vs nurture argument can be applied here. So what are the things that have shaped me? My parents and my religion? The outside environment? Which of these factors plays a bigger role and which do I listen to?

When I listen to my parents and religion, I often feel like I am being held back. Like there are more opportunities if I was just able to bend their rules. Like there are experiences that will give me true and pure happness if only I disobeyed.

When I listen to my environment, I find myself feeling guilt and fear that I will be reprimanded for my disoriented or sinful actions. I feel this pain of letting my parents down. I feel like an ungrateful brat.

So what should I do ? By which paradigm do I base my decisions upon? What is my handy handbook for making the right decision?

A directionless life is not a life at all.